Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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