If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
