Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
