Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
