i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
