When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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