i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
