He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish you could order shots online.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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