There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
