butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
