life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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