just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
