If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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