made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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