words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
