i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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