I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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