I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
