i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
