Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
