I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
