A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
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Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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