theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
