My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
