the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
