i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
