508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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