I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
