so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
