I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
