i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
