I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
