I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
