please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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