if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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