So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
