I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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