I didn't shave. On purpose
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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