Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
