I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
