im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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