My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
