I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
