You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
