i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
