giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
this hospital has no fireball
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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