Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
