why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
