i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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