I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
